my psalm

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In my first post, I mentioned that I have been working on being still. While this doesn’t specifically have to do with adoption, it has everything to do with me learning to hear from the Lord, which enabled me to obey His calling to begin the adoption process. About a month ago, I wrote a psalm on this topic. It’s real and it’s raw, but that’s what I want this blog to be.

I kneel before You, LORD
and profess my sin.
You are mighty to save,
and You do not withhold grace.
I do not hide my doubts from You;
You are stronger than my fears
and more constant than my wanderings.
This I know to be true.

I love the LORD
because I know what He did.
The more I know about Him,
the more my affections stir
because knowledge brings worship.

Let me list my plans, LORD,
but “Your will be done.”
I know that you preserve me, O God,
“But even if you do not…”
because that is what Your scripture says.

I meditate on my adoption as Your child
and Your love for the orphan.
Oh how beautiful that You call Your people sons and daughters.
This I know to be true.

I know Your ways;
I rejoice in Your faithfulness.
I revere Your power,
yet cling to Your commitment to me.

So why then, O LORD, can I not sit in silence?
Why then, do I acknowledge my sin,
yet rob myself of the joy of true repentance?
Why then, do I lay my plans before Your throne,
yet do not pick up Yours?
Why am I scared to feel, to listen, to be?

“Be still and know that I am LORD”
But I already know.
I trust You because I know who You are,
what You have done, and what You will do.
So why be still?

There is joy in the works You have done,
but not in Your presence.
I seek wisdom from the Scriptures,
yet do not listen to Your gentle taps at my heart.

I know
I do
I believe
Teach me to love.

I am obedient
I am disciplined
Teach me to yearn for You.

You are my Father,
and You care if it’s hard,
if it hurts, if I’m scared.
I am Your daughter,
and this I know to be true.

I know it not because the Bible tells me so,
though it does.
I know it not because You hung on a cross for me,
though You did.

I know it because you whisper my name in the morning.
You call me to Yourself,
over and over again.

In Your presence there is fullness of joy,
And though I will continue to run,
You will always call me,
over and over again.
This I know.

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